October 20th- November 4th 2012
Lately I’ve been really busy with schoolwork so that’s one of the reasons why I haven’t been on here much. HOWEVER i have* been writing some little things down everytime I think of something to write in a post. Mostly just events & thoughts, but its something. All I know is that I’m committed to this blog, sortof, & If I dont post anything soon, some of my followers are gonna get on me for it lol. c: Including Jenn.
I miss being able to sing.
Ever since that stupid asthma attack in 6th grade, things haven’t been the same. & with the pneumonia, everythings screwed up. I can’t stop thinking about it. They shoved that clasp that’s meant to open my airway & a tube down my throat & from that moment on, my singing was gone.
& I’ve tried, Lawd, Ive tried SO hard. Last year & the year before that, singing classes after singing classes, NOTHING works. I just can’t sing, not like I used to, not at all. & Its so sad. I can’t sing properly anymore, not to baby Tay, not to you, not to anyone. & I’ve fought it way too long, I just have to stop before I damage more.
Even so, my voice used to be really nice. I miss it.
This past Thursday a boy on my bus asked me out through a poem/letter. His name is Abdul. He’s a senior, 19 & about an inch taller than me, but super buff & the kindest guy I’ve met yet. I, however, can’t say yes. WHY, YOU ASK?
One) He’s kindof a guy, don’t trust him yeah.
Two) He’s kindof an adult, yeahh.
Three) I have alot going on.
Idl I dont really have anything against guys, just the fact that he’s a full THREE years older than me, it scares me. I don’t think I would mind dating a guy really, cause
I just dont care, you know, but a guy of his age would want more than just holding hands & kisses from me. He’s the exact same age as Oscar is. I just don’t think I could handle it.
Another reason is, I’m still dealing with these cobweb feelings I pushed aside when I was with Dallas. I have to be really really careful though. Cause the slightest touch could awaken those dusty feelings & that, my darling, WOULD SUCK SOME SERIOUS ASS.
I just can’t imagine awakening those dormant feelings JUST to deal with them, It sounds stupid as hell. However, its a psychological approach, & therefore I know its a credited theory, to reawaken those feelings a second time around to eliminate them, but its dumb to me. RAINN consultants & counselors always suggest them, too. Its beyond annoying. I don’t want to overthink things.
But yes those feelings about Dallas are starting to come back. Not as forceful, more of a slight sigh here or there as I see someone or something that reminds me of him, or, of us. It just kindof sucks because I put everything into him & nothing really was ever good enough. Whatever.
Battleship, the movie was spectacular. I watched it WAAAAAY after my family watched it, but that was mainly because I never got around to it. Um, Yeah, its really cool & I liked it alot. It kinda showed me a new side of the fantasy military, & motivated me to use the military as my backup plan if all else failed in myy life. I’d enter the military as a psychologist.
Clingy people often annoy me or they get my pity. Like this one girl at my old school. LAWD was she clingy. She was so cute, so niave but OMFG she didn’t know when to stop. She’d bring her little blonde self everywhere I went & at one point I gave in & kissed her ONCE, at the end of the year, right after she decided she wasn’t straight. Which is ok. But I totally saw it coming.
UM I probably have a little asexual ness inside me. I just really don’t see myself as a sex-enjoying person. Which is fine. Cause I grew up being taught sex was for making babies & not for pleasure & was just as painful as having a baby.
But no, its something people do alot these days, as young as 13. Which was totally okay in the earlier ages, because that was normal, but not here, no. Thats bad.
BUT YAH I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to satisfy anyone because I don’t really need to be satisfied myself. So where’s the fun in that? Yeah, there is none. People want other people who will please them. People deserve people who will please them. Not me.
I miss my BabyTay. I miss her little body next to mine, I miss waking up to her innocent beautiful face everyday, I miss taking her places. She misses me, too, but I just miss her 10 times more.
I’m just glad she’ll never forget me. I have all our pictures on her wall & on mine. I left my “Dear Tay” journal with her, along with other things. Her birthmom is the coolest person I’ve met. & Tay, Tay is just my sunshine. Today I found a picture of me & Tay on the confessions blog I followed & submitted to alot. All the pictures you see from that pblog on here, I submitted the quote. c: The thing is, I don’t remember submitting my picture to them. I don’t think I ever did. But whoever did, they made my week. Because seeing that picture, it just made me remember the amazing bond Tay & I had. No one can ever deny us of that bond. That was a baby-momma bond, something not many people feel until they are old enough, to have babies or to adopt. I miss that baby. I really do.
I love my music. Right now, I’m listening to a few songs, on repeat, back to back. They explain alot of my feelings.
Breath Of Life- Florence + The Machines- My feelings about that one night. Literally Ive listened to this song right before the Snowwhite movie came out, till today,consistently.
One by One - Enya- This song, just, ugh. It is the most moving, peaceful song Ive heard in a while
Red-Taylor Swift- Dallas & I
I’ll list a few heavier ones later. But that’s it for now.
Married couples, they are just so cute sometimes. I have this thing, where I ask every married couple I know or meet, if their spouse is their bestfriend.
Literally, every couple I’ve ever asked has said ” Oh yea, definitely. They are my best friend. One day, you’ll marry your absolute best friend. “
That’s kinda weird & kinda cute at the same time. Because I always have arounf 3-4 really best friends. Usually guy bestfriends with 1-2 girls. Right now, right here, Ethan is my bestfriend. & Yes, girls & guys can be bestfriends with no romance. It IS possible. Ethan is to me as David is to Jenn. One day I’ll explain that to you, but for now, I’ll go back to Ethan later.
I’d have to say I’m looking forward to getting married, kinda young. I don’t care when. Just young.
There’s a girl here who is a straight up slut & she bothers me cause all the guys like her & she just rejects ALLL of them cause she can’t make up her own damn mind about who she’s in love with, & shes easy.
Damn. Sluts make me mad.
Then there’s this other extreme athiest girl who i love (& is bestfriends with the slut) treats her guy bestfriend just like Dallas treated me & it sucks because I know how it feels & its triggereing to those dark, lonely, lovesick days.
Then theres fucking… Todd -.- Who keeps everything to himself like a fucking idiot. I love him though, he’s alot like me & he doens’t even know it. He’s kinda close minded, not even gonna lie.
My dreams lately have consisted of me looking into the future & me not being able to wait till those things happen if God is willing. c: omg. Too hype.
My feelings towards that one night have progressed to anger. Anger at Kelsey, anger at lack of proof, anger at the loneliness, anger that I couldn’t at least have something to show for my pain. Anger. Anger at him & at everyone.
Back to Ethan. Ethan is my bestfriend. He’s so different from all the others Ive had, its nice & exciting. He really gets me, & I’m really happy when I’m around him. He’s not an ass. He’s amazing, I hope you meet him one day (:
The Halloween party was a typical out-of-a-movie dance costume party. It was fun, kinda crazy & inculded alot of ass-shaking. Ethan was there to keep me from anymore unfortunate events & my friends were really fun to be around. Alot of drama broke out, though, along with weed, which was expected.
For the legit Halloween, I dressed up as a zombie doctor & I went trick or treating with Jeff, Todd, Dominick, Justin & Cheyenne. It was hilarious & cold.
Btw Hurricane Sandy was a dissappoinment. Even Irene was better than Sandy -.-
Expect more once I think of some (: